Totally Enormous Extinct Self

What do I feel, or don’t feel?

Do I still feel?

If you fall, let yourself fall

And there’s no one to catch

Who to blame? You or the society?

Because yes love is just another form of society

How many times you were done with your lego house?

But then an angry kid smashed it down

Force you to start over

Until you don’t feel like starting anymore

It’s like living with your lego house in pieces

Or maybe living is not even a sufficient word anymore.

But hey cut the crap,

This is just some rare moment,

when you actually feel. again.

Speaking of Silence,

Here's my hopefully-not-too-conventional and not-too-critically literal description of the beauty of silence.

Beauty of silence is what you can find between your quality time with your playlist playing in a maximum volume possible while the whole world is rotating so noisily around you.

Beauty of silence is what you can find in a man you stalk behind your cool shades, saving the amusement for yourself.

Beauty of silence is what you can find when you can't even afford of being sober in the morning, and allow yourself to be dysfunctional for that day, to

live just in your mind.

Beauty of silence is what you can find when you value yourself high enough to not always force it to pay attention to every single word everyone's saying, and just give em a fake nod sometimes, while giving a silent peace in your mind.

Beauty of silence is what you can find when you say no to a saturday night with your friend sometimes, and find yourself spending the time quite amusingly somehow.

Beauty of silence is what you can find when you state you don't understand what the f*ck people around you are talking about and therefore not feeling guilty to draw yourself away from the conversation.

Emo much? LOL

Sorry for being such one, it's a part of myself. HAHAHA!

Well here it is to pay back my emo-ness and to bring you to a better mood and (and better place than your computer screen!):

So last long weekend I had this amazing trip with my friends to a heaven on earth called Gili Trawangan. I told my friends I wanted to write about the trip in my blog, cause I can't risk forgetting about every single details about it later in the future. Well but it's not possible, not possible at all to write everything about it in a blog. There would be too many improper-deleted stories and the writing won't be amusing anymore. LOL. So it's officially not gonna be shared! :p

But this part down here won't hurt though:

Beauty of silence is what you can find when you have such breakfast by the beach:

(Photo by Jessi Ayudia)

This is the view from my hotel gazebo where we had breakfast every day and sitting for hours allowing ourself enjoy the hangover part while starring at the beach for hours! Imagine that kind of silence and peace in the mind and the ears.

And I was talking about this kind of beach!!

Speaking of silence again, I've known many definitions of beauty of silence, not that silent-kind-of-silent, if you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I've tasted it, lived with it, but I never knew the most beautiful one until I visited this island last week. Heaven on earth. Peace of (damaged) mind. Damaged brain to be exact. LOL!

GO OMBRE!

Everyone should do OMBRE HAIR!! It's super super super FUN!!!!

Okay today was my first time doing this ombre hair and I'm addicted alreadyy! It was only temporary, but my friends keep telling me to do this permanently. Sadly I haven't got enough guts.. YET. Hahaha!

The make up:

Dress: Monday to Sunday (The GOODSDEPT), blazer: Invio, bracelet: H&M, ring: Little Things She Needs,

socks: Sox Gallery, black pumps: STC Senayan

After taking this pics I went out to see my friend at Mall of Indonesia and you're right. Everyone just couldn't stop starring at my hair. LOL! Yet I have this little project with my some of my Lookbook friends to just hang out someday with this ombre hair on! And we got to choose different color for each! haha I just can't wait!!

from camera with love

What do people do at such long vacation? Traveling? shopping? hang out with friends everyday?Doing DVD marathon, play games? Well I did most of them, enjoyed my holiday like common people with their common vacation. Feeling bloody unproductive. HAHAHA.

Well one thing I did that is not unproductive is these photoshoots. Me love photoshoots! I love wearing cool make up and hairdo, beautiful clothes, and (TRY) posing for great pictures. I do have tons of photos from quite a long time ago, and I'm kinda not interested in putting them here. So here are the latest ones! me love!!

Wardrobe by Winda Halomoan,

Photographers: Ricky Reonardus & Michael Wong

Make up & hairdo by Marcella

These are the cool photographers Ricky & M. Wong !

and the team!

oh and I got to take pictures with Naomi Lee! So gorgeousss, I'm a fan :*

Well I did some interesting stuffs this morning, I did made a temporary ombre hair and took some pics, will post about it later. Sooo excited!

PS. Tomorrow's still a holiday. Wish me luck in being productive ;)

Been there?

Such a control freak

Did everything just to stop my tears

Not necessarily because I don't want to be sad

It's because I hate the puffy eyes afterwards

Cause I'm such a control freak

Well now without the tears

The trembling down is sealed inside

Stating the obvious, the heart suffers more

Now that I'm such a control freak

I've gone mad trying to figure out how to make it stop

Such a control freak I am

That I don't even accept self's humanity

Everything has to be perfect

Without defining perfect before

So now assuming own definition of perfect

I guess it's about to end perfectly now

As they say your whole life will be flashed back right in front of your eyes in the last seconds

And the last feeling I'd have is to be perfectly glad to let it go

So goodbye ~

Eventually

Is the universe standing against me? You know, it's all in my mind, yes. I don't have a choice, it's all in my mind again, yes. So what? Am I gonna light up, light up, as if I had a choice? I don't think so. Like I said, I'm a mind traveller. Who knows I'm lost or not. I don't even know and I don't even care. All I know is I know where I stand. I keep trembling, yes. It's not a steady ground. Yet do I look like I care? Nope. I could dance there and watch my world tear apart. I could still dance. Am I that strong? In my mind, yes.

There are MANY times I can't understand my own will, my own thoughts. And there are many times I prefer to and have to be lost, because being sane feels destructive. And I guess it's okay. Because sometimes we don't fit our own shoes, or sometimes the shoes even kill you. The shoes hurt.

Yet in the end, people stand for their own will. Who said they will care about yours? Your mind did? Yeah, it's ALL in your mind. Did they tell you it's gonna be the best way out? It's all in their mind, yes. Do I look like I'm misunderstanding and judging people's mind? Could be. But then again, it's all in our mind. But I'm trying to play fair here..

I'm misunderstanding myself, so..

Go ahead world, misunderstand me. I NEED to be misunderstood today.

Happy? Yes, eventually.

Mind Traveller

I know I'm not such a blogger. I go on and off, talk about this and that, all random. I don't post a post very often. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too muchhhhhh things going on in my mind that I don't know how to explain. I'm a mind traveller, and sometimes I get lost in my random thoughts and live there for a moment.

You know, when people don't post, it doesn't mean they don't actually write. And FYI, I have way more drafts that I didn't post than those I posted. Many considerations, yes. Sometimes it's because I'm just being simply egoistic by not trusting anyone who reads to interpret my writing in their own way. I don't like being misunderstood and don't find out about it. Egoistic, yes.

Another considerations? Hmm maybe I just failed to express the thoughts, hated the writings, and just leave them there. Most likely I hate being misunderstood by myself.

And about the mind itself, you know, it's wild IN there. It's millions of new species IN there. It's a place to live, to build a new life, a place to get lost and stuck. It's where the biggest hope, dreams, happiness live. It's where the deepest sorrow lives. It's where the comfort zone, pleasant & unpleasant surprises, wildest fantasy live, all side by side. It's where believes live. And it's where many other things that not yet have a name live. I'm pretty sure you guys are already familiar with the quotes "it's all in your mind", yes that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

You can travel your own mind, recognize everything, feel everything, get lost for a while. Enjoy your vivid imagination, if you had one. Live in your mind for a while, in the exact way you want to live. Then you'll realize real soon that you're building a life out of it. You're building yourself by traveling in your very own mind.

P.S. About the vivid imagination, I just read it in @ZodiacFacts timeline that it belongs to the Cancers and thus I'm a proud one. Sorry, I'm just being positively subjective to the tweets :D